On September 30th a friend of mine passed away. I write these words so many days later and I still can’t believe it. I’m not someone who is particularly comfortable sharing personal life things on the Internet, or even to people I know. But on this occasion I feel that I must. I need to tell you that on September 30th a wonderful woman left this world so abruptly that I still find myself looking for her.
I want to call her; I want to resume the conversation that I had to cut short that very same day because I was in a hurry to run an errand. I want to go back to that moment when she was still here, that moment that feels like just yesterday. Yet every day that passes it’s like I’m on a sailing ship, drifting farther and farther so that her face, her voice, become small and blurry, and I’m afraid that I’ll forget.
For over sixteen years I knew Connie. She was sweet, kind, friendly and very brave.
She went through so much fucked up shit that anyone would wonder how she could have kept such a positive outlook in life.
Unfortunately for me, I only got to become close friends with her this year.
We realized that we had so much to talk about. Or maybe she simply was just one of those awesome people who could keep a conversation invigorating no matter what the topic, maybe a bit of both.
As someone who frequently falls into deep funks of depression, Connie was such a great blessing to me. Her happiness was so contagious, and all the stupid stuff I tend to brood over was shoved aside. We talked, shopped, ate out, watched movies, etcetera, and etcetera. We had such a blast.
And then one day she said “Karen! I want to talk to you, I haven’t seen you in while.”
And I said “Yes, yes, but I’m late. Definitely though. I know we had plans to go shopping.” She said something like “Of course I’ll talk to you later. No hurry.”
About three hours later she was gone.
Of course that’s not word for word. In fact the more I try to remember what exactly we said to each other, the harder it is to remember. Except for the tone of voice.
And God THAT HURTS!
Each day which is not much different than a day from two months ago, makes it just more supremely difficult to believe that I’ll never see her again. That I won’t be able to have those inspiring conversations, or laugh at silly jokes, or quote Foreigner at each other. Because everything is just going on, the same as it ever did.
I’m scared. I can’t stop looking at people I love and feeling so frightened that I will never see them again. As if life is just some switch that could be turned off with a flick. No, life really is liked that.
This isn’t the first time I’ve lost someone. But this is the first time that the phrase “fragile existence” makes such terrible sense. I wish. . . I wish. . . but it doesn’t matter.
The fact is that my friend isn’t here anymore. And there is no place where I could walk, drive, or fly to find her. All I can do is remember.
Everything else must go on. So I’ll swallow that lump in my throat, I’ll keep my face clean, and I’ll try not to think of the finality of death.
Lastly, I’ll tell you to turn off your computer, turn around and go hug that person you love. Go see that friend you’ve been meaning to see. Call your family. And tell them you love them, or at least tell them how much they mean to you! Just don’t take them for granted.
Because you never know, you never fucking know.
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